I am not a medical doctor, a psychologist, or have any advanced degree to speak. I am just someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and want to share my story and my thoughts in hopes that it may at least help one person not feel so alone, as I once did, and still do at times....
Following, is a brief introduction and background from some writing I have done just to give an idea of things:
I remember this winter clearly, or as clearly as any of them, because at that time they were all pretty much the same, depressingly dark, gray, and cold. The sun would not shine for months at a time, even during the middle of the day. I was living the largest lie of my life. Yes, largest, but I’ll get back to that. I wasn’t even being honest with myself, much less those who truly cared about me. My entire existence was a lie and I did not want to continue it. My actions toward myself, toward others, and toward life in general, were so self-destructive that some days I cannot believe, but I do thank God that I am actually still alive. I wanted to drive myself off the side of a mountain and even had picked the spot to where I was going to do it. I would swing from utterly depressed where I would not even leave my bed for days at a time, to being so disgusted with myself and who I was, but more so, what I was not, that I would want to shatter any reflective surface with my bare hands, to wanting to do nothing more but just breath fire and destroy anyone and anything which would cross my path. To this day, I still do not fully understand why I ever did some of the things that I did and I truly regret that I do not think I will ever understand. Not for my own satisfaction, but rather my desire to maybe try to shed some light on my own completely horrid actions to those who did nothing but support me even though I don’t know what good it would really do. The “damage has been done” as they say and the trust has been broken, not to mention the absolute grief, stress, and pain which I have caused so many people in my life. People I love more than anything which I have truly been blessed to call my family and friends. I do know one thing 100% though, if it were not for those people in my life, even those I lost due to my actions, I would never have made it this far.Anxiety and Depression is an ever present battle many of us face, some of us for only a short period of time, others, like myself, the battle has always been and will always be a part of my life. The important thing to remember is that we are not alone in this, and together, we can share, understand, cope and live productive lives.
